Given the nature of the program (40 people from 20 countries), my past 18 months in the states (an ocean away, at least) has kept me from seeing all but four of them until this summer. With my passage to Europe, I insured that I would see a few once more and meet an ever-widening network of people I would call change-makers.
I met one in Latvia and traveled with five more in England, Sweden and Germany. But it wasn’t until I arrived in the Swiss Alps and met two young Ukrainian women that something brand new clicked over in my mind because of these rekindled friendships.
The two women were working closely with a small team to deliver the first summer conference at Caux. They titled the week, “Global Servant-Leadership: Contributing to Human Security.” 150 people filled the conference ranks and the centre buzzed with activities: plenary sessions here, breakout groups there, rowdy lunch conversations and afternoon workshops. Talking about leadership? Talking about service? Talking about the world? I’ve arrived.The content of the conference couldn’t top its style. Caux runs on the people who attend and every participant works in the kitchen and dining hall every two days to prepare and serve meals. I worked breakfasts and quickly recaptured my waitering flair groomed at the College Park Bennigan’s. It’s amazing how my experience there really makes me feel that I could serve anything to anyone, anywhere. After those short three months, I feel like I may have seen it all. So my teas and coffees won over my patrons along with my aforementioned linguistic charms in French, Italian and Russian. Mostly, the time reminded me of what it feels like to be in a constant state of service to someone; a challenging and often pride-swallowing endeavor that can also reward beyond imagination.
Friendship and service (rather than leadership) started to blend together as the spring at the headwaters of my week. Time after time, my Ukrainian friends tapped my shoulder to take new responsibility for the conference: moderating a plenary session, facilitating break out groups, giving a workshop and leading a presentation. Each time, I agreed.
Except for the last time. At the end of the conference, five weeks into my travels and at the end of the line, I got called up for the final time. I sat in the middle of a brilliant dinner conversation about South African politics when I felt the familiar tap. The request echoed in my ear: “Will you emcee the cultural evening tonight?” “Tonight!” I replied with flabbergast. “No way, that’s in 45 minutes. I’m in the middle of a good one here and I’ve got another conversation to have before I head up to watch, let alone emcee. Sorry, I can’t do it.”
She left, but the request sat with me. I wrestled with it. I had done enough for this conference. It was time for me to sit back and enjoy it a bit. Still, I thought, “Why not? Why wouldn’t I do it? Sure, I’m tired, but it’s a job I can do and for which I’m pretty well suited. And my friend asked me. She’s been working tirelessly to pull this whole thing off, typing, meeting and coordinating while I sleep at night. Why not?”
But mostly, isn’t she just a friend who asked me for something? A need that I could fill?
I went back and agreed. I met my partner 15 minutes before the show, we reviewed some notes, laid out a program and we set off.
The favorable audience received the event with open arms. We sang (“Peace like a River with hand motions. My favorite sing-a-long of all time.), we listened (my old friend from Japan rocked the harmonica) and we laughed (along with a team of Ukrainians who sang and enacted an old folk song about lovebirds). The lights flicked off. The hum of the microphones cut. The crowd emptied the main hall leaving me alone as I sat back on the stage. I took in my first deep, relaxed breath in 90 minutes and got to thinking.
Friendship is service. It’s knowing how to give and how to receive. It’s knowing how to ask and how to answer. It’s asking a question – and believing. It’s saying yes – and believing.I’ve lost sight of this. I think a lot of people I know have lost sight of this. I once heard someone describe a friend as someone who makes you feel light and happy. I’ve heard other say that a friend is someone who can tell you the truth, even when it hurts. Those are pieces to a puzzle, but incomplete.
In Caux, I learned that friendship means being willing to respond when there is a clear need. It means conveying that need when you have it and believing that your friend will respond. It’s not manipulation. It’s not a transaction. It’s something far more dynamic than that. It’s trust.
How much do I trust my friends? How much do you trust yours? I’m willing to share my deep with them. I’m willing to share my light with them. But am I willing to share my burdens? Have I asked my friends to help me take on what seems too heavy? Have I looked them in the eye and asked for help?
Not enough. And it’s those moments that are critical in building strength in relationships. It’s the extension of vulnerability. It’s the ability to swallow some pride. It’s a step into the gap. And believing my friend is there with open arms. And in response, to be that friend with the warm blanket to cover the cold or the strong back to ease the weight.
There’s much more to dig here. Where does “no” play a role in friendships? Or how do we know when to step up even when someone hasn’t verbalized a need? Perhaps those thoughts will get more time later. In the meantime, I’m learning how to respond. Perhaps more importantly, I’m learning how to ask.
7 comments:
Excellent thoughts Chris. I have been wrestling with similar issues concerning how to be a friend. Sometimes, due to physical, emotional or experiential distances that grow between friends it can be hard to remember the basics. It happens without being aware and creates a rift that while at a distance doesn't really have any tangible effects. But then one day, that rift has to be crossed due to a friend needing help. But its hard to see how big these separations are until that moment. Its not that it can't be crossed, or that one doesn't want to cross it, but that there are little mistakes made while trying to claw your way back to understanding what a friend needs. But underneath it all, it takes a little trust between friends. An acknowledgement of the situation and constant effort. It reminds me of your post from a few weeks ago about the bridge analogy to friendship and constantly needing to maintain a relationship. Its too true.
Brilliant thoughts, for me also reminiscent of the friendship/bridges musings (a post which sparked a profoundly intense conversation until sunrise with one of my very best friends about the nature of our friendships, and how we define/maintain them, and how do you really know when you love someone etc, it was a great night).
So one of our very best friends is enduring what is the hardest, most difficult, heartbreaking struggles of her life. Throughout our nearly ten years of friendship, she has been the rock of friendship, cheerful, blissful, carefree during times of joy, nurturing, generous, and dependable during times of sorrow and crisis. I can't think of a time when I have not been in awe of her strength, of the way she takes cares or her family, as devoted wife and mother, and as a giving and faithful friend. Not only her strength but the ease of it all, which I know is partially a ruse, but still she makes it look like no work at all. Recently, life dealt her family an unfortunate card, as is life's way, and we must work with the cards we are dealt. During one of our walks, she confessed to me that her whole life, she has always been the self-sufficient one, able to take care of herself, her family, and her numerous friends all at once, with the natural ease mentioned above. But, she said, now, for the first time it her life, she not only thinks she cannot do this alone, she KNOWS she cannot do this alone, knows that she must ask for help. She knows that she is surrounded by people who love her, and would do absolutely anything to ease her burden, because what are friends for if not to make life easier for one another. But she cannot ask, she can't find the words, she doesn't know how to ask for help. We hugged, and cried, and held each others hands knowing that somehow we would find a way, together. I myself know I suffer from the same problem, being able to give and give, but not knowing how or when to ask for help, so the answer is not so close at hand. As a friend, I know its so unfair not to let someone in, because friendship is about the give and the take, it's the best part, and not allowing the other person to give to you is denying more than half of the friendship. But I don't know how to ask for help, or let someone in. We are exploring that on a much deeper level right now.
Last night was having a conversation about growing up, about the way certain people I meet tell me they have "grown up" in the sense that have grown and changed and evolved and now then are done, Bing! Like a timer on the oven and they are finished. I strongly disagree, I think we are constantly evolving, growing, changing, and in that sense I never want to grow up. Right now, we're experiencing an evolution, more a revolution, in friendship, and I know that she, and I, and all of us will never be the same. In that way, out of the darkness does comes the light, in the gift of being able to care for a friend in need, to make their life easier, brighter, warmer, just by being in it, with a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on, an arm to lift them up. It's great to celebrate the good times, but really, this is what friends are for.
Thanks for adding in here. In fact, I think its even in these little steps of bringing our real stories out into the open that starts to build relationship. I find it helpful to hear real situations and see if these ideas hold water. From the sound of it, there is more to explore here. Very cool.
A friend of mine read the post and recently sent this to me. It's humbling in a sense, but I feel nothing but grateful for the beautiful voices that have gone before us. This one, in particular. Check out what Gibran says in The Prophet.
"And a youth said, 'Speak to us of Friendship.'
Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving. And he is your board and your fireside. For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace. When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay."
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not; For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain. And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught. And let your best be for your friend. If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also. For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill? Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.
Very much LOVE that passage, especially the part about friendship being without words, sometimes it is the moments when we say nothing at all that speak the loudest about friendship. Also the knowing that when you leave your friend it becomes clear what you love about them the most. So true.
Also, right now, this quote is so on point:
When a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it.
It's so hard to know what to do, to find the balance between not being "overly involved" but at the same time being helpful. But often just being present is all you have to do, sometimes it is more. Am working on it.
A Time to Talk
When a friend calls to me from the road
And slows his horse to a meaning walk,
I don't stand still and look around
On all the hills I haven't hoed,
And shout from where I am, What is it?
No, not as there is a time to talk.
I thrust my hoe in the mellow ground,
Blade-end up and five feet tall,
And plod: I go up to the stone wall
For a friendly visit.
- Robert Frost
I read this post a few days ago for the first time, and I reread it tonight. It's remarkable, the insight which you, Chris (as well as Jeff and nicole), have given me re: friendship and actions.
I really wasn't sure what to write about in response, but I knew that I wanted to respond somehow - chris' thoughts, and jeff and nicole's comments moved me to put this comment on my mental agenda - an action that warranted doing.
Today, it struck me - I knew exactly what I wanted to post.
A couple months ago (has it already been that long?), Chris, you came to DC to visit one final time before making your trip to the other side of the planet to have an adventure of epic magnitude. You visited at a time when I was not doing so well. i had just injured my leg. I had just broken up with my girlfriend of nearly a year. I had been forced to let someone else step into a role and finish out a performance schedule of a show that meant an enormous amount to me. I was angry. And unhappy. And, in some ways, my negative energy prevailed during your final visit, despite the fact that it was meant to be a time of great joy and happiness. Still, we managed, as friends do, and had as good a time as we could - we laughed, played fifa (albeit briefly, due to my attitude towards the xbox 360), and even managed to play a wee bit of music if I remember correctly.
But what resonates most from your final visit to see me, Chris, is the gift you gave me before leaving. Now, I'm sure you might not view it as a gift, since I totally picked it up while you were gone, got 50 pages into it in one sit, and then begged you to finish the final 30 pages before you left so I could have it to read myself. But all the same, Shantaram was your gift to me. Neither one of us knew it at the time, but to me, right now, that book - that gift is a sort of emblem of our friendship.
I just finished part 1 on sunday. I am savoring every moment with this book, this story. I feel, in a strange way, that it connects me to you and your experiences in foreign lands with foreign people. And I'm so thankful for that. I guess i just really need to express that to you, man. It's my own funny little epiphany about the deeper meanings of friendship (though specific to our friendship as well, no doubt) - a complete need sometimes, to let your friend know (no matter the forum) how important they are - that your actions, your demeanor, your blogging, your nearly-finished book which you set on the table in the living room of my apartment back in May are inspiring, and good, and helpful - in countless ways.
You were a truly graceful friend when you visited - you served me in a time of need when I was asking a lot of those around me. I see that now.
And this book which you allowed me to have and read and enjoy is our bridge, my friend. A reminder to me that whenever *you* might find yourself in need of anything, that I wouldn't hesitate a moment.
and with that, I take my own vulnerable step into the gap and hit the "publish your comment" button.
Feeling very grateful today for all that has been shared and discussed here. Getting out into the gap, talking about some depth in relationships, putting down the hoe and having a friendly visit. You've taken this far beyond my imagination. It's brilliant.
aha! i've finally caught up with your trail around the world, chris, and find you in friendship.
i've definitely been thinking about this very topic a lot since college, since i've gone off on my own path that sometimes feels like another world, far from those i love dearly.
and i guess that after much thought and consideration, i'd say that my best friends in this world are the ones who just make me feel the most like myself. it's not about what they do or what i do, even though those things are all a part of it.. it's how they make me FEEL. those who wordlessly accept and embrace me while reminding me of my true essence. what a blessing.
parker (hi!), your story in particular touched something in me because when chris came to portland in february, i was in a dark time as well. i had just broken up with my boyfriend of two and half years who i'd been living with and had various physical ailments for the first time in my life. in fact, it was the beginning of the hardest time in my life, in the sense of being shaken through all layers to my core. you know, the kind of thing that's real good for you once it's all done with but sucks bad in the process.
but chris, you are so easy to be around, so accepting of others. we hadn't seen each other in years, but just your presence was a blessing, to somehow feel as though things were normal when in fact i felt so far from it. nichole, it's like what you said about just being present.
i echo parker: thank you, chris, for building bridges and pushing deeper. i s'pose modern technology has its uses after all..
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