Lesson 2: Taking the Challenge

These days I’ve come to a final conclusion about living. Life requires risk and true living means putting faith into action, even when the risk seems great.

Over the past week I’ve come to see some things about myself more clearly. Importantly, I’ve run up against a familiar trait of people-pleasing. To put it more precisely, it’s an issue of appeasement. In many ways it’s far easier to appease those I find difficult and hope that a steady dose of this strategy will keep any rising problems at bay. It’s a strategy many people employ on a regular basis. But it’s flawed and doesn’t tackle any of the root causes of the problem. Furthermore, its usually devoid of love.

To sort out these relational issues one must act with a spirit of bold and unfaltering love. The kind of love that is the very opposite of fear (the central motivator in people-pleasing). We can live forever in a state of fear regarding relationships. Fear can actually provide a sense of purpose and meaning in a relationship because it gives it a direction, an intention. At the same time, fear fundamentally spoils our ability to love, our highest human calling.

For me, living in fear as a leader on Action for Life means not risking. I am constantly in a place where I can deliver important criticism to those on the program, but at the same time, I need them to work with me and be with me for our group to function. If one person loses grip because the criticism cuts too deep, the group can faction off and destabilize completely. We’ve all been in groups where one statement set off a chain reaction that destroyed team chemistry. I frequently find myself measuring the content and timing of my words for impact, but often find that my fear of a negative impact keeps me silent, happier to keep an uneasy peace than to stir up a storm.

This policy is based on a belief that the unsaid word will make no impact or keep the status quo. But this isn’t true! If the word goes unsaid, it still makes a significant impact. For one, it keeps the feeling inside of me, doubling its potency (and perhaps venom) if it would ever come out. Further, it doesn’t address the issue at all. There is a reason it came up. That reason is important because it’s hitting on the root of an issue that, if changed, could bring significant, positive results in the future for that person, that person’s interaction with the group and the group as a whole.

On top of a misty mountain in Yercaud, Tamil Nadu, I managed to write a few words on the water-logged pages of my journal:

Observe behavior carefully. Listen in silence to understand the root cause of that behavior. Develop a clear line of thinking. Act swiftly; don’t hesitate on sharing the insight. Deliver the insight with genuine love and respect.